Be Still
by DazzlexMe
Summary: It was the summer that would mark the end of one chapter and the beginning of another, but Kurt never thought that it would play out like this.
1. Chapter 1

Title: Be Still

Paring: Kurtbastian

Rating: NC-17 Eventually.

Summary: It was the summer that would mark the end of one chapter and the beginning of another, but Kurt never thought that it would play out like this.

Warnings: If I do warnings it will give away the plot so...just be warned that it's an NC-17 story. No rape, murder, suicide or anything.

Written for Kurtbastian week! Day 3: AU. Beta's by the lovely gustinforgranted **on Tumblr.**

Disclaimer: I do not own Glee or any of it's characters. I only own the plot.

_Kurt stared at the phone he held in his hand. Blaine's phone. The room around him still smelled like him, it clung to every available surface. That in itself made Kurt want to scream, want to cry want to curl up and die. His hands shook as he unlocked the phone he'd found on the bedside and clicked on the contacts app. He wanted all of Blaine's friends to be there; he knew he had to check his phone to get the one number he didn't want to call. _

_Sebastian. The Warblers needed to know. _

_Kurt felt his eyes tear up as the background photo popped up, He and Kurt hugging and smiling after a movie just a few weeks earlier. The photo itself had carried love and now, heartbreak. The emotions that Kurt was feeling at this very moment seemed like the most wonderful kind of poison. It stung more than anything else ever could, but at least the memory would be sweet. _

_Kurt swallowed hard as a tear ran down his cheek and he shakily selected Sebastian's name from the contacts. Sebastian picked up on the third ring, "Hey frodo! How's life over at slushie central?" Sebastian's voice sounded happy and teasing, a tone that made Kurt almost sick to think about. _

"_Sebastian, it's Kurt." There was silence on the other end for a good minute before Sebastian seemed to realize that he should respond._

"_Kurt, Hi. May I ask why you're calling me from Blaine's phone?" Sebastian's tone was snarky as always, but Kurt could hear the edge of worry and curiosity underneath._

"_Blaine is…he's…"_

The summer was started out just like all the other before it. The weather turned hot, the sun brutally began its wrath on everyone, and friends from McKinley and Dalton both came around every few days. There were pool parties and going to the movies with friends, there were days when Kurt and Blaine would just hang out at the house when their parents were gone and makeout and worship each other until they heard the front door opening, there were attempts at brotherly bonding (which always made Kurt want to crawl into a hole just to escape), but this year one thing was different.

Once summer was over Kurt wouldn't be coming back to McKinley, no, he would be going to New York; to NYADA. He tried not to focus on the fact that soon he'd have to be away from Blaine, be alone in New York. Rachel and Finn would be there, sure, but with the time they spent together it would feel like being alone. As it was Kurt had a week of his time left with Blaine over the summer taken from him, he was currently standing on a dock at a Lake in Pennsylvania.

Why, you may ask? It was Carol's idea. Kurt loved Carol to death but sometimes that woman formed the worst plans in her head. She had come home one night from work and insisted that they have a family weekend to 'get to know each other better' before everyone left for college. Carol being Carol picked the one thing that Kurt never in a million years wanted to do; Go camping. He had begrudgingly tagged along, not that he had a choice, after a night of complaining to Blaine who simply told him he'd be here when he got back and not to worry; there was such a thing called soap after all.

They had made love that night, sweet and slow, before having to say goodbye the next morning. Even though it was only a week Kurt could hardly bring himself to let go of Blaine, even when Burt honked the horn of the car loudly behind him. "Go. Before your dad never lets me come back here." Blaine's smiled was soft and sweet, that smile that he always held when he was feeling extra gooey inside.

"I love you." Kurt said softly, not wanting to drop his around from around Blaine's neck. Blaine smiled, his eyes dancing as he leaned forward to give Kurt one final chaste kiss; Burt and Carol were watching after all.

"I love you too. I'll be here when you get back." Kurt dropped his arms from Blaine's neck and Blaine opened the car door for Kurt who blushed and climbed in. Blaine shut the door and smiled, stepping back from the car, and Kurt smiled out the window at him. The car slowly started to back out of the driveway and Kurt watched out his window until he couldn't see Blaine anymore.

Kurt sighed to himself as the water on the lake rippled in the warm summer breeze. They were going home tomorrow and Kurt could hardly wait. He wanted to be back in Blaine's arms where he belonged: warm, safe, happy and away from mosquitoes. The week had been long and Blaine was in his thoughts every moment of every day. Kurt tried not to think about how hard it would be to leave Blaine for months instead of just a short week. If he thought about it he would break down and he couldn't handle that, not yet. He still had two more months summer ahead of him; two more months of Blaine.

It was then that Kurt's phone chimed in his pocket, followed by the familiar ringtone of 'Don't Say Yes Until I Finish Talking'. Kurt pulled his phone out and frowned at the screen, noting that Mike was calling. He was sure that Mike was teaching a dance class at the community center this summer and according to the clock on his phone, Mike should be teaching right now. Kurt pressed the green button and brought the phone to his ear. "Hey, Mike. What's-"

"Kurt, it's Blaine."


	2. Chapter 2

**Playlist: **

My Hands-David Artchuleta  
Cut- Plumb  
When You Look Me In The Eyes- Jonas Brothers

Kurt was silent the entire length of the trip home. He'd run back to the cabin, the second Mike ended the call, and told Burt and Carole what had happened. They had immediately packed the car up and headed home early. The car ride was pure torcher and Kurt couldn't do nothing other than put his headphones in and try to block out the world. Though time seemed to pass more slowly than ever before, he found himself being surprised when they finally reach the Lima hospital at midnight. Kurt hopped from the car before Burt had even put the car in park and tore off towards the building. Once inside he navigated his way through the hospital, only stopping once he was inside Blaine's room. The sight before him made him fall to his knees with a heart wrenching sob.

Kurt held Blaine's hand, colder to the touch than usual in his unconscious state. It was unnerving how cold he seemed to be. Blaine was always a little furnace. The bags under his eyes were deep, deeper than Kurt had ever seen and they only served to make Kurt wonder just how much he'd suffered before he'd been knocked unconscious. Kurt hadn't been able to stomach the story, he had thrown up more than once as Cooper recalled what the EMT's had told him. Cooper had held him through it and told him over and over how Blaine would be proud of him being so strong; but it only made Kurt feel worse. If he had been there he could have stopped it, could have kept him safe.

When Kurt tried to tell this to Cooper he simply shook his head sadly, "There were too many of them. It wouldn't have made a difference. And then maybe you would be in a bed identical to his." Kurt thought it might be better that way.

Kurt let another tear slide down his cheek for the millionth time today. He'd only been at the hospital for twelve hours but it felt like a lifetime ago that he'd been standing on a dock in the sunshine reading to go see Blaine. He never thought it would be like this. The images of what happened to Blaine flashed through his head quickly but so vivid. He'd been bullied before and he knew how much it hurt physically and mentally when you were back into a corner. He couldn't even imagine what Blaine must have been feeling. Kurt didn't dare thing the word of what had been done to Blaine; rape.

That word was scary as a concept but as a reality, especially to someone he loved more than life itself, was terrifying. Kurt could see on Blaine's body where the men had held him down, his wrist had red marks in the shape of fingers and his ribs had been wrapped tightly. Cooper had said they had broken two of his ribs and severely bruised three more. Kurt was grateful that he at least couldn't see that. He could, however, see the rest of the damage. Blaine's face was bruised, one bruise was a dark purple right under his eye, and another smaller one was just under his jaw on the other side. Blaine's neck had what looked like a slight purple outline of a hand around it and a small cut ran its way from his collar bone down into the wrappings around his chest. Kurt didn't dare life the sheets to survey anything else.

The words: five of them, internal bleeding, strangled, surprise he made it; bounced around in Kurt's head, making him feel sick once more. How could something so wrong have happened to someone so right? Blaine had never done anything to deserve this, yet here he lay. Kurt laid his head on the edge of the bed and cried himself to sleep.

On day three Kurt talked to Blaine about his trip. He told him about Finn, trying and failing to make breakfast for everyone and them going to a small diner down the road instead. He told him about swimming in a lake for the first time, and had he _really _swam in that water? He told him about Carole's surprisingly good voice when they watched _The Sound of Music _after dinner one night. He told him about Burt's attempts at fishing and how Finn managed to get a fishing pole wrapped around his self. He told him about the late nights he spent laying on a blanket in the grass, staring at the stars and wishing Blaine was there with him. He told him about the bonfires they would have and how Kurt would sit and write little lyrics in his journal for Blaine. He would talk for hours until his throat was horse and he was forced to leave because visitor hours were over.

On day six Kurt sang songs. He'd sing any song that came to mind and then tell Blaine a story about it. He'd tell Blaine of something important that it reminded him of or what competition the Glee club had sung it at. Kurt had sung until his voice was horse and only stopped when a few Warblers had stopped by, though they weren't allowed into the room to see him. Only Kurt and Cooper had permission, listed as family.

Kurt would sit once they were gone and sing again until he fell asleep in the chair next to his bed and Cooper was carrying him out to the car.

On Day twelve Kurt told Blaine about his fears. He told Blaine about how scared he was that he wasn't going to wake up. He'd heard the whispering in the halls, he'd heard Cooper's voice arguing with the doctor when he said that Blaine might never wake up. He'd heard the nurse read Blaine's chart, sigh, and start muttering about no improvement. He'd heard Cooper on the phone with Blaine's parents, who still refused to come see him even this close to death, close to tears about Blaine's lack of improvement. Kurt had cried himself to sleep every night, Blaine's hand in his own, terrified that when he awoke Blaine would be gone.

Kurt hardly ate, even when Cooper brought him food and told him that they didn't need another person in the hospital. Kurt felt like a part of him was laying there on that bed, slowly drifting away.

Kurt told Blaine how much he missed him.

On day twenty Kurt told Blaine about all the happy times they had shared. He recalled their first meeting, their first time getting coffee, their first Warblers practice, their first kiss, their first prom, their first awkward conversation, their first 'I love you' 's, their first fight, their first time and their first almost goodbye.

Kurt wasn't aware of Cooper standing outside the door, listening silently with tears in his eyes.

On day twenty one Kurt told Blaine about his favorite things. He told Blaine how much he loved Blaine's Dalton tie, how it was easy to hold onto and the texture was cool and smooth on his skin. He told Blaine how much he loved his hair, so soft yet so curly and rough. He told Blaine how much he loved how Blaine smelled in the morning after a shower and they'd made love. He told Blaine how much he loved being held, wrapped safely in his arms. He told Blaine how much he loved writhing under him and letting 'I love you's slip from his mouth before screaming his name. Kurt told Blaine how much he loved him.

On day 30 Kurt didn't have words. Instead he sat silently, the monitors beeping in the background alerting Kurt that there was no change. Kurt didn't know what else to say, so he let the tears fall as he repeated, "Don't leave me," over and over until he couldn't speak anymore.

On day 35 Kurt could overhear the fight in the hallway between Cooper and the doctor. The doctor kept saying that Blaine wasn't getting any better and there was little hope of him ever waking up. Cooper fought back, saying that Kurt needed him and he would wake up but even his voice sounded unconvinced. Kurt cried himself to sleep once again holding Blaine's hand to his chest.

On day 40 Kurt realized that he was the one holding Blaine here. The nurse had changed the IV drip and smiled sadly at Kurt, "he must really love you if he's still fighting." And she left.

On day 55 Kurt knew he had to do it. On day 55 Kurt knew he had to say goodbye.


	3. When You Look Me In The Eyes

Title: Be Still

Paring: Kurtbastian

Rating: NC-17 Eventually.

Summary: It was the summer that would mark the end of one chapter and the beginning of another, but Kurt never thought that it would play out like this.

Warnings: If I do warnings it will give away the plot so...just be warned that it's an NC-17 story. Triggers: Rape.

Written for Kurtbastian week! Day 3: AU.

Disclaimer: I do not own Glee or any of it's characters. I only own the plot.

Playlist:

When You Look Me In The Eyes- Jonas Brothers

Be Still- The Fray (This song was used to write the final scene in this chapter. This song will be a big part of the story. You'll find it used as moon music throughout the fic.)

A/N: This chapter was betaed by the lovely quoth-the-ravenclaw on Tumblr. She spent a lot of time working with me on this to make it the best it could be. Thank you so much!

Kurt sat next to Blaine's bed, hand held tightly in his own like always; but today was different. Because today Kurt would say goodbye. Kurt never got a goodbye with his mom and now he wonders if he would even want one. This is the hardest thing he's ever had to do. Cooper had driven him to the hospital that morning in silence, almost sensing the change in Kurt's attitude. Kurt took a shaky breath and stroked the back of Blaine's hand. The sun outside was setting and the glow from the sunset cast a golden light on Blaine's face, making him look more angelic than usual.

"I love you, you know," Kurt started, his voice already breaking in his throat. He paused and slowly got up to lie next to Blaine, resting his head on Blaine's chest. He kept his hand intertwined with Blaine's, stroking the back of his hand. He began to speak once more, "I loved you since that day on the stairs. When I first saw you I couldn't find words to explain you; you just were." Kurt sobbed. "I couldn't see my world without you, it was like everything changed to include you. I stopped seeing me and started seeing us." Kurt took a deep breath and closed his eyes, inhaling Blaine's scent, usually so warm and inviting.

The unique mix of Blaine's body wash and Hollister cologne, with that little splash of something that was just Blaine: sweet, spicy, warm- Blaine. The smell that made Kurt feel safe and happy, that made him feel calm was now masked by the sterile and stale smell of the hospital. It gave an almost haunting feel to the place, which made Kurt even more on edge. "I want to sing for you," Kurt said softly, his hands gripping into Blaine's hospital gown. "_Dreams can't take the place of loving you, There's gotta be a million reasons why it's true."_ His voice was quiet.

"_When you look me in the eyes,  
And tell me that you love me.  
Everything's alright,  
When you're right here by my side.  
When you look me in the eyes,  
I catch a glimpse of heaven.  
I find my paradise,  
When you look me in the eyes._"

Kurt closed his eyes tight, letting tears flow.

"_How long will I be waiting  
To be with you again?  
Gonna tell you that I love you,  
In the best way that I can.  
I can't take a day without you here,  
You're the light that makes my darkness disappear._

_When you look me in the eyes,  
And tell me that you love me.  
Everything's alright,  
When you're right here by my side.  
When you look me in the eyes,  
I catch a glimpse of heaven.  
I find my paradise,  
When you look me in the eyes"_

Kurt looked up at Blaine's sleeping face. His stomach clenched in the most gut wrenching of ways and he could feel his heart breaking in his chest. It didn't take more than that glance to completely tear Kurt apart, because this was going to take more strength than anything he'd ever had to. "I love you. I will always love you. " Kurt paused to swallow hard, each tear that fell from his face felt like acid, burning as it fell.

He took a shaky breath and continued, "Which is why it's okay for you to go. You don't need to stay for me, you don't need to keep fighting, Blaine. You've fought so hard. You never give up, but maybe it's time that you did. Not a surrender, a goodbye; like the final day of a visit to the family on Christmas or graduating high school." Kurt stopped once more not wanting his voice to crack, reminding himself that he was supposed to be strong for Blaine.

"I'll always love you but you don't have to keep hanging on for me, Blaine. You can let go." Kurt reached up to gently brush Blaine's hair out of his face, before sliding his thumb down to stroke Blaine's cheek.

The boy he was wrapped close to had given him so much. So much that he couldn't ever put into words, and he knew that he loved him too much to keep him here. Keeping him here would be selfish. It would be unfair to Blaine to keep him here just because Kurt wanted him to stay. Blaine deserved to be happy and if this was the way to do it…then this was what Kurt would do. The words "_If you love something, set it free"_ rang in his ears.

Kurt didn't move to brush his tears away, instead he let the warm tears slid down his face as he said goodbye. He tried to memorize the way Blaine's body felt comfortable against him, not too sharp but not soft. He tried to memorize the way Blaine's heartbeat sounded when Kurt placed his head on his chest. He tried to memorize the way his skin felt beneath Kurt's finger. That caused Kurt to sob once more at the memory of their first time. Kurt brought Blaine's hand to rest against his chest, letting unconscious Blaine feel his heartbeat.

"It will keep beating, just for you sweetheart." Kurt's voice was soft and broken. He brushed Blaine's hair from his forehead once more before kissing it gently. He rested his head against the crook of Blaine's neck and brought his hand down to stroke gently at Blaine's collar bone. Kurt closed his eyes, wondering if this would be the last time he would ever feel Blaine's heartbeat. Kurt let the tears keep falling as his body shook with the sheer heartbreak he was feeling. He cuddled closer to Blaine, letting himself feel for what might be the last time. He continued to cry and whisper _I love you's_ and _goodbyes _until he physically couldn't keep his eyes open any longer and he fell asleep with a final 'I love you.'

Kurt awoke, not more than a few hours later, to the sounds of shouts and felt hands pulling him away from Blaine. The warmth of Blaine's body seemed significantly less, and Kurt remembered that he should have covered them up before he fell asleep. Blaine had always been a little space heater, but when he got sick Blaine turned into an icebox.

Kurt's brain seemed to move slowly through a thick fog as he found himself in a chair in the corner. He didn't understand why everyone as running around and yelling. It couldn't have been too late- Kurt felt insanely drained, and that meant he'd slept less than four hours, so there was no reason for them to be trying to kick him out. The staff had been fairly lenient with Kurt about letting him stay all night, several nights a week. Kurt tried to pull himself from the fuzziness still remaining from his sleep, though it was slow going, and his brain slowly started to speed up.

Kurt could sense an air of panic in the room, and it confused Kurt. He was fine, Blaine was asleep, why would there be a reason to panic? It was then that Kurt's brain started to fully engage. The air felt suddenly colder without Blaine's body next to his, and then it was if someone had dumped ice water down his back. Kurt snapped awake with the realization of what was happening.

The doctor and a team of nurses stood around Blaine's bed, a defibrillator in the hand of the brunette nurse, Blaine's hospital gown being ripped open by another. "Clear!" A nurse shouted as they used the paddles on Blaine's bare chest. The heart monitor showed only a quiet flat line. They repeated the action time and time again as the doctor called out orders. Kurt couldn't move, couldn't speak, could only watch as Blaine slipped away.

Kurt didn't cry when the doctor told him the news.

Kurt didn't cry when Blaine's family didn't answer the call from the doctor letting them know their son had passed.

Kurt didn't cry when Cooper broke down in tears the moment he'd been told the news.

Kurt didn't cry on the car ride home.

Only when Kurt was inside his room, alone, did he lose it.

Here in this room is where so many memories were held, ones that were too happy, too fresh. He could see the way Blaine would hang upside down off his bed when they did homework, one of Blaine's shirt laying on his floor in the corner where he hadn't picked it up because it reminded him of Blaine, a framed photo of the two of them together at prom from the year before, all cutting him like a knife.

Kurt roughly grabbed a cardboard box from his closet and started throwing things into it, first his prom crown, then his scepter, followed by the movie ticket stubs from when they saw Katy Perry's 3D movie. With each item Kurt grew angrier; _it wasn't fair!_ Why should Blaine be taken from him? Blaine was only seventeen; he had his whole life ahead of him.

Kurt turned to the framed photo that sat on his bed side table, picked it up and turned toward the box. He gently stroked Blaine's face in the photo as a tear slid down his cheek. "It's not fucking fair!" He screamed , throwing the frame across the room where it hit the built in bookshelves and shattered. Glass scattered across the floor, and for a wild moment Kurt wondered if the pain of glass cutting his skin would be as painful as this. Kurt fell back onto the bed with a sob, kicking his knee high boots off but feeling too lazy to change.

He curled into a ball in the center of the bed, his body convulsing. If anyone downstairs heard him they chose not to look for him, and for that Kurt was grateful. He took the pillow from the space next to him and clutched it to himself as he cried. It was only after he'd pulled it close that he realized this had been Blaine's pillow. While the smell had since faded it didn't stop Kurt's heart from ripping into tiny pieces once more at the discovery.  
_

It was two days since Blaine had passed. Two days of feeling cold, alone, and numb. Kurt didn't speak with anyone. He ignored the missed calls that flashed on his phone from Rachel and other Glee club members. He didn't eat, and he didn't sleep. (And if he did it ended with him tossing and turning with nightmares of Blaine dying in his arms.)

Burt had stopped trying to talk to Kurt, and Finn didn't even come up and offer him food anymore. He had only opened his bedroom door once, and it was because Cooper had appeared unannounced and simply handed Kurt an envelope. Neither boy spoke as Kurt took the envelope with shaky hands. Cooper nodded and held back tears as he walked away, as if he'd lost the ability to speak. Kurt shut the door softly and sat on his bed, staring at the envelope. When he finally had the courage to open it three letters fell out. The first was a will that Kurt stopped reading after the first few lines; he didn't want to think about that, not now, and especially not when his own name was featured so heavily. The second was a confirmation for a funeral ceremony with some hand written notes from Cooper. The final letter was a handwritten note from Cooper, asking Kurt to sing at Blaine's funeral. Kurt dropped the letters onto his bed and sobbed.

Kurt,

I'm sorry that you have to go through this, especially at your age. Blaine loved you, so much. He never stopped talking about you. I almost had to point at him and start yelling for him to get the point that I was sick of hearing about you two. He told me not two days before his accident that if anything ever happened to him that you had to sing at his funeral. He didn't say what song, he just said that you would know. I never did understand where his comment had come from and he told me he wasn't sure either; but that you sounded 'beautiful' singing for someone named… Pavarotti? Anyways, he said that he wanted you to do it. So, Kurt, I want you to sing at Blaine's funeral and if you're up for it, speak as well. My baby brother was the most important thing in the world to me and now that he's gone…I want him to be happy with what he's left behind. He left behind you, and though I know life would be easier if he hadn't, I'm glad it was you and not some other boy. You're like a brother to me Kurt, and if you ever need anything, I'll be there.

Cooper

Kurt stared at the phone he held in his hand. Blaine's phone. The room around him still smelled like him; it clung to every available surface. That in itself made Kurt want to scream, want to cry want to curl up and die. It was too much, too soon but Kurt had to do this. Blaine would have wanted him to do this. His hands shook as he unlocked the phone he'd found on the bedside and clicked on the contacts app. He wanted all of Blaine's friends to be at the funeral, and he knew he had to check his phone to get the one number he didn't want to call. Sebastian.

The Warblers needed to know. Kurt felt his eyes tear up as the background photo popped up - Blaine and Kurt hugging and smiling after a movie just a few weeks earlier. The photo itself carried love and, now, heartbreak. The emotions that Kurt was feeling at this very moment seemed like the most wonderful kind of poison. It stung more than anything else ever could, but at least the memory would be sweet.

Kurt swallowed hard as a tear ran down his cheek and he shakily selected Sebastian's name from the contacts. Sebastian picked up on the third ring. _"Hey, Frodo! How's life over at slushie central?"_ Sebastian's voice sounded happy and teasing, a tone that made Kurt almost sick to think about. There was loud chattering in the background, happy voices floating around him, almost too loud to hear the Warbler over. It was the atmosphere that, under normal circumstances, would have made Kurt grin and wish for his Dalton days. Today the sound just reminded him of Blaine. Kurt tried not to sob. "Sebastian, it's Kurt."

There was silence on the other end for a good minute before Sebastian seemed to realize that he should respond. "Kurt… Hi. May I ask why you're calling me from Blaine's phone?" Sebastian's tone was snarky as always, but Kurt could hear an edge of worry and curiosity underneath.

"Blaine is… he's…" Kurt let another tear follow the path of the previous as he took a shaky breath. He couldn't show Sebastian this side of him. He couldn't see him of course, but the sound of his voice alone would be enough to give away the fact that he was crying.

"Kurt… is everything ok?"

Kurt didn't have time to marvel at how Sebastian seemed to drop the snark all together or how he seemed to know something was wrong; instead he focused on trying to breathe. "He… he's gone."

"Like on vacation? Thanks for- um, letting me know?" Sebastian's voice bled confusion.

"He…he died… yesterday." Kurt was prepared for an _'I'm sorry'_ or an_ 'ok, what do you want me to do about it?'_ What he wasn't prepared for was the way Sebastian's voice suddenly seemed to break.

"He… he what?" Kurt could tell just by the sound of his voice that Sebastian was fighting the urge to cry. An action that Kurt had thought impossible of him just a few moments ago.

"He's gone." Kurt's voice cracked and he wanted nothing more to end this call and curl up on Blaine's bed to have a good sob.

"I… I don't… Kurt, what can I do?" Sebastian's voice sounded desperate, as if someone had just taken a prized possession from him. This wasn't the Sebastian that Kurt was used to. This was a Sebastian that Kurt had never met.

"Tell the Warblers to be at the funeral. Bla-he would want his friends there." Kurt needed to hang up before he broke down over the phone… to _Sebastian_ of all people.

"Of course. We'll be there. I'm… I'm truly sorry, Kurt." Sebastian's voice was so sincere that Kurt almost felt sick. Sebastian didn't have a right to make him feel like he was pathetic or that he knew what he was going through, because he didn't. After everything he'd done to Blaine, Sebastian had no right.

"I have to go." Kurt hung up the phone and dropped it to the plush rug he was sitting on. He stood and climbed onto the bed that he'd spend so many nights in. He curled into a ball around one of Blaine's pillows, inhaling a deep breath of his scent. It stung like thousands of knives at the same time that it soothed. One day this smell would be gone and he would never be able to get it back. Just like Blaine. Kurt sobbed, and his body shook.

"_I miss you so much."_


	4. Appreciate (Chapter 4)

**Title: **Be Still

**Paring: **Kurtbastian

**Rating:** NC-17 Eventually.

**Summary: **It was the summer that would mark the end of one chapter and the beginning of another, but Kurt never thought that it would play out like this.

**Warnings: **Rape, Character death, future smut.

_**A/N: **__A huge thank you to Acciograntgustin who so nicely offered to beta this chapter after a very long hiatus; which was due to my original beta dealing with a death in the family. This chapter is a bit longer than previous ones, so I hope that makes up for it just a little bit!_

Kurt stared straight ahead as the guests filed slowly into the small church. He was numb from head to toe. He registered voices and blurs of dark, morbid colors all around him (from people in clothing that could only be described as depressing) in the cold room, and he knew his family was sitting next to him; but nothing more. His eyes stayed locked on the casket on the small stage. He'd requested that they kept it closed; he wasn't sure he could handle seeing Blaine's face so lifeless. Cooper had understood and agreed that closed casket would be for the best. Kurt didn't think about where Cooper was at the moment. He knew he must be greeting people and getting them to their seats, which was a heck of a lot more than Kurt was doing.

With Blaine's parents out across the ocean, Cooper had taken the responsibilities of planning the entire affair. He'd even called Kurt to ask his own opinions, claiming that sadly Kurt knew Blaine better than Cooper did. Kurt had tried to help the best he could, but after a few questions Kurt would start breaking down and Cooper would stop asking and offer his help instead. Kurt felt awful for his behavior; Cooper was losing a brother and a friend. Kurt wanted to help comfort Cooper – after all, he was going through hell as well – but Kurt felt like he wasn't able to do so. It hurt too much to try and act happy on the outside when he was falling apart on the inside.

Cooper had been amazingly understanding, however, and hadn't pressed. He'd even invited Kurt over for dinner one night to try and help get Kurt out of the house. Kurt had refused until Cooper showed up at the front door, and Carol had kicked them both out. It was that afternoon that Kurt had found Blaine's phone. It was that night that Kurt had sobbed in Cooper's arms like he was a little kid again. It was so familiar to the way Burt had held him years ago when his mother had died. That same feeling of being helpless and needing the one person you can't ever get back. That way you feel so small. It was that night that Kurt gained a big brother named Cooper.

Kurt was snapped out of his thoughts by a familiar hand on his shoulder. "I think we're ready to start." Cooper's voice was soft and caring, and Kurt simply nodded. Cooper took several steps up to the podium and tapped the microphone lightly.

"Hi, everyone. I wanted to thank you for coming out today. My baby brother would be proud." Cooper smiled his million dollar smile and winked at Kurt. The Warblers chuckled softly from one of the middle rows and Cooper's grin widened for a moment before returning to a more serious expression. "My brother was always an optimistic, little man. I remember him coming home from school one day right before Christmas vacation. He was only about eight or so, and he was telling me how much he wanted it to snow for Christmas. Well, that year it was oddly warm, and it had been in the seventies. Of course, I told him it would never happen; it was much too warm for that." Cooper smiled fondly, and his eyes were far away.

"You know what he told me? He told me that in The Ultimate Christmas Present it had never snowed before, but that these two girls had managed to make it snow. He said that if they could have snow on Christmas, we could. " Cooper smiled. His eyes were misty, and Kurt's throat tightened.

"I watched that movie with him that night before bed. He made me watch it every night for a week until Christmas. When I woke up Christmas morning Blaine was bouncing on my bed and saying something in an annoyingly high pitched voice. At first I thought me was telling me to hurry and get downstairs so he could open presents, but instead he pulled me toward the window, and, sure enough, it had snowed." Cooper shook his head.

"I told him it was a Christmas Miracle and that we should go downstairs so he could open presents, and you know what he told me? He said, 'We can open those later. I already got what I really wanted. We got snow on Christmas.'" Kurt could see a tear slip down Cooper's cheek.

"I regret not being able to spend more time with Blaine. It seems like I should have made the time, because you don't realize what you have until it's gone. But those moments are what I will always remember. Blaine taught me to always look up. When you do, life is a happier place." Cooper reached up to brush away another tear that had fallen. Kurt swallowed hard, forcing back tears.

"I know he wouldn't want everyone to be sad; he would want us to be happy for his life, not morn his death. If I had to pick a motto for Blaine, it would have been 'Don't worry. Be happy.' I know he had struggles. He went through some very dark times, but he came out on top." Cooper smiled.

"In his own way he learned more in seventeen years than most of us will in our lifetime. I am extremely proud to call myself his big brother." Cooper took a shaky breath.

"Before we go, Kurt has something he wants to share with us." Cooper stepped back from the podium, making room for Kurt on the stage.

Kurt stood up stiffly, his whole body feeling drained. He was trembling and could feel it with every step he took. He finally reached the podium, and Cooper gave him a gentle pat on the back.

"H-hi, everyone. Blaine asked me to sing a song at his funeral. He said I would know exactly what song to sing." Kurt swallowed hard and looked out to the audience.

"He used to listen to this song when he felt at his lowest and he would always feel better afterward. " Kurt's voice trembled and he swallowed once more.

"This one is for you, Blaine." Kurt closed his eyes briefly and opened his mouth to sing.

_There's a man dying on the side of road_

_Won't make it home tonight_

_He was driving fast on a cell phone_

_That's how he lived his life_

_While he was hanging by a thread_

_These were the final words he said_

_My girl turns sweet sixteen today_

_she's beautiful, so beautiful _

_It might get rough sometimes but I hope she keeps her faith_

_I wish I grabbed the chance to say to her_

Life is too short so take the time and appreciate

Kurt felt a tear run down his cheek and he let it fall. He could see the Warblers, each with glassy eyes. Jeff was crying as Nick wrapped an arm around his shoulders. Wes held a look so serious one would think that he wasn't feeling anything at all, unless you knew him. Then you would see the way his eyes held a sadness Kurt had never seen on his face. Sebastian sat in the middle of the group, hands gripping each other tightly in his lap. His expression was that of forced boredom, but his eyes were damp and his lashes wet.

_There's a woman crying on the kitchen floor_

_She got a call tonight_

_Now she's trembling outside her daughters doors_

_Wondering how or where to start_

_Is there a way to shoe her heart_

_My girl turns sweet sixteen today_

_she's beautiful, so beautiful _

_It might get rough sometimes but I hope she keeps her faith_

_I wish I grabbed the chance to say to her_

_Life is too short so take the time and appreciate_

Kurt could see Carol and Burt's hands intertwined at their sides, and the sight hurt Kurt more than it should. Why were they allowed to be happy while Kurt was hurting? Finn was shifting uncomfortably in his seat, always one to be awkward with emotional things. Cooper sat on his other side, a faraway look in his eyes and tears there. Kurt realized that he must have taken his seat when he had started to sing.

_Anybody live and well_

_Get hurt along the way_

_Don't be afraid to open up_

_And use the time you have before it fades_

_Show your love today _

Kurt closed his eyes, no longer able to stand the sight of his friend and family. Some of which were happy even through this. How could they be slightly happy when Blaine was gone? Kurt's heart clenched and he almost sobbed out the next lyric.

_My girl turns sweet sixteen today_

_She's beautiful, so beautiful _

_It might get rough sometimes but I hope she keeps her faith_

_I wish I grabbed the chance to say to her_

_Life is too short so take the time and appreciate_

_Life is too short so take the time and appreciate_

When Kurt stopped singing the room was silent, until the Warblers all stood and clapped. Soon the rest of the small church joined in. Kurt simply nodded and walked down the stairs to sit in the spot closest to the isle that he'd originally been sitting in. Cooper had jumped up when Kurt had started to sit back down and was now thanking everyone for coming. Kurt hardly noticed when Cooper finished and people started to file out into the summer air.

"You coming, buddy?" Burt's voice made Kurt flinch, and he looked up to see tears in his dad's eyes. Is this what losing his mom had felt like to him? No. He'd had years with her. Kurt had only had one. One tiny year. "Can…Can I just stay? Just for a moment?" Burt nodded and turned to Carol who smiled a sympathetic smile at Kurt as they started to walk outside with the rest of the guests. Finn opened his mouth as if to say something and then snapped it shut before walking quickly after them. Kurt took a shaky breath. When he looked up, the Warblers (adorned in their uniforms just for this occasion) were crowded around him.

"We want to do something special for Blaine," Jeff said softly from his place beside Nick. "He meant a lot to us, and we want to honor him for everything he's done."

Kurt tried to smile but he was sure it came out as more of a watery grimace. "T - thank you."

"We want you to help us, Kurt. No one knew Blaine like you did." Nick's voice came from the group.

"But take your time. We'll all be here this year. There's no need to rush." Trent piped up from the other side of the group.

"Thank you… all of you." Kurt looked at each one in turn. "Blaine really loved you guys."

"We love you too, you know." Wes' voice was a bit of a shock, but he held a genuine smile. "We didn't just lose Blaine. We lost you too. "

Kurt knew it was true. When Blaine… died, Kurt had stopped visiting Dalton. It was just too much of a reminder. Looking at it now, he wondered if it had been the right decision. While the Glee club had been sympathetic , it was obvious that no one in the New Direction got it. Sure a few of its members had been here today: Sugar, Rachel, Rory, Sam, Mike and Tina. But none had even given Kurt one word of encouragement. Kurt smiled a very small and genuine smile.

"Thank you… for everything." Kurt's voice was quiet and crackled slightly from exhaustion and the tears forming once again.

"You're welcome. And make sure you don't make yourself scarce around Dalton's parties this summer, okay?" David smiled, and Kurt nodded.

The Warblers took that as their cue to exit, the front doors of the church closed and Kurt had thought he was alone until he felt a hand on his shoulder. "I really am sorry, Kurt." Sebastian's voice was quiet, slightly strangled as if he'd been crying as well. Kurt looked up to see that was probably true. Sebastian's eyes were red and puffy, though his cheeks showed no tear tracts.

"Thanks, Sebastian." Sebastian nodded and dropped his hand. He awkwardly looked at the floor for a moment, a hand coming up to rub the back of his head.

"I'll… see you around." Sebastian's voice almost held a question in it.

"Yeah…" Kurt's voice was quiet. Sebastian dropped his hand and gave Kurt a final glance before he followed the path of the others.

Kurt breathed a sigh of relief at finally being alone. He stared at the casket that sat onstage and his heart clenched again. "I love you," was all he said as he let the tears he'd been holding in run down his face. He'd already said goodbye, that night at the hospital, so, instead, he cried until he couldn't.

It was several hours later that Kurt found himself sitting alone in his dad's truck. Blaine had been buried immediately following the service. Cooper had agreed that only he and Kurt should be there when they lowered him into the ground. Cooper was sure that Blaine wouldn't have wanted everyone to be watching this, and Kurt had quickly agreed. As Kurt's family had headed home in Carol's van, Kurt took his dad's pickup to the graveyard. He watched numbly as Blaine was buried, his arm around Cooper's torso and Cooper's arm around his shoulders.

Both boys threw a handful of dirt onto the coffin before it had been covered in dirt and the headstone lifted into place. The words ' Blaine Everett Anderson. Beloved Brother and boyfriend. 1995-2012' were carved into the simple headstone, making Kurt's eyes tear up again. Kurt placed a bouquet of yellow and fuchsia flowers- a perfect match of those he had given to Blaine when he landed the role of Tony - on the grave. Cooper smiled and ran a hand over the top of the headstone before giving Kurt's hand a quick squeeze and walking off to his car.

Kurt stood alone in the cemetery. The sun started to set as Kurt knelt and rested his forehead against the cool stone. Kurt might be going to New York in the fall, but Blaine was never getting out. He closed his eyes and let a tear fall. "We got each other out of all this." He breathed, before standing and heading back to the car. He slid his seat belt on and started the car, not bothering to change his dad's old dial radio off his dad's favorite station. Before he could pull out a familiar tune hit his ears.

_There's a boy here in town says he'll love me forever_

_Who would've thought forever could be severed by the_

_Sharp knife of a short life_

_Well I've had just enough time_

_So put on your best boys_

_And I'll wear my pearls_

_What I never did is done_

_Penny for my thoughts?_

_Oh no. I'll sell um for a dollar_

_They're worth so much more after I'm a goner_

_Then maybe you'll hear the words I've been singing_

_Funny when you're dead how people start listenin'_

Kurt's hand shook above the stick shift, and tears poured down his face. His forehead dropped to the steering wheel as sobs wracked his body. Blaine's gone , it's not fair, he's gone… The mantra repeated over and over in his head as the music coursed through him. He continued to sob, sitting in the car until long after the sun went down and his eyes felt like sandpaper.

_If I die young_

_Burry me in satin_

_Lay me down on a bed of roses_

_Sink me in the river at dawn_

_Send me away with the words of a love song_

A week went by before Kurt worked up enough energy to get out of the house. He knew it was good for him, but it felt too painful to even do normal things. The Warblers had been begging Kurt to come to a party that David was throwing, but the idea made Kurt a bit sick to his stomach.

It was Friday night, and Kurt sat alone at the Lima Bean, a coffee missing only a few sips sitting on the table in front of him. There were only two other people there, sitting in a corner and talking in hushed tones. Kurt had never felt more alone - or numb - in his life. You're out of the house, his mind supplied. That's got to count for something. But if it was up to Kurt he'd never leave his bed again. The thought of going to New York was the only thing that kept him from doing so. Blaine would want him to go to New York, and Kurt knew he couldn't give up his future because Blaine was gone. But it felt as if he had no reason to live anymore.

The bell above the door rang. Kurt didn't bother to look up - the outside world held no interest to him anymore. A few moments passed as Kurt stared at the glass table top. He almost jumped when he heard a voice beside him. "Hey… Can I sit here?"

Kurt looked up to see none other than Sebastian Smythe, holding a coffee and motioning to the seat across from him. Though his usual smirk was in place, and he was wearing a red polo and dark wash jeans in true Dalton fashion, he had dark circles under his eyes. Kurt simply shrugged and looked back down to the table. Ever since the Karofsky incident they had been friendlier. Well, sort of. Blaine and Sebastian had become friends quickly after that, though Kurt was still a bit wary. But now Blaine was gone.

"How are you doing?" Sebastian took a tentative sip of his coffee, and Kurt looked up with a slightly incredulous expression. Since when was Sebastian nice? Especially to him.

"How do you think?" Kurt practically spat. Sebastian's eyes looked hurt for a moment before they returned to their usual guarded look.

"Just asking. Don't get your granny panties in a twist." Sebastian rolled his eyes and took another sip. "Maybe I'll just go. I just thought since you were sitting here alone on a Friday night you must be feeling pretty shitty." Sebastian stood and grabbed his coffee from the table. His voice was cold, a tone Kurt was used to hearing from Sebastian, and it stung a bit.

"Well you're here alone. You don't see me coming to see how you are." Kurt was aware that he was being a bitch, but he had an excuse… right?

"For your information, princess, I was on my way to David's party, but when I saw you I thought … Guess I was wrong." Sebastian's voice was coated in venom, and Kurt sighed.

"I'm…sorry. Shitty week." Kurt said, rubbing at his eyes a little.

"You're not the only one, you know." Sebastian's hand clenched much too tightly around his cup.

"No! But it sure is affecting me more than everyone else! He was my boyfriend, Sebastian. I loved him. Just because you whore yourself out to everything that moves doesn't mean we're all heartless!" Kurt yelled. He stood from his chair and grabbed his coffee.

"Fuck you, Hummel. The world doesn't revolve around you. It's going to keep going, whether you want it to or not! You're pathetic sitting here like a zombie when - You know what? Forget it." Sebastian turned and stormed out, the bell over the door ringing loudly.

Kurt stared after him for a moment, and out of the corner of his eye he could see the other two patrons looking at him with their mouth open. Kurt hurried out the door to the truck where he let the tears fall for the millionth time in the past weeks.

Sebastian's words rang through Kurt's head all week. They taunted him, telling him Sebastian was right; but he was allowed to mourn, right? Blaine had been gone for three weeks, hardly enough time to get used to the gaping hole in his heart. Another voice in the back of his head reminded him that Blaine was truly gone the moment he entered the hospital, but Kurt forced that voice down. He didn't want to hash this out. He was sick of the pain, he didn't want to feel anymore. He just wanted to block out the world and try to keep the pain away. He was doing a good job of doing just that. He'd stayed in his room, never going outside and only eating when one of his family members dragged him downstairs.

"This isn't healthy, Kurt. You're hurting yourself," His dad had said with a gentle hand on his shoulder last night after dinner. Kurt had shrugged it off. He wasn't hurting himself, not really, because half of him was already dead.

Kurt heard the doorbell ring in the distance and the hole in his heart burned around the edges, reminding him that Blaine would never again be coming to the door. Kurt guessed that Rachel had come over to see Finn, or maybe Puck, no one came for Kurt anymore. What few glee clubbers had attended the funeral hadn't tried to contact him since, with the exception of Rachel. Rachel had come to visit a few days later and had grown sick of trying to talk to what now could be a brick wall. She hadn't been back since. Much to Kurt's surprise he heard his dad calling up the stairs, "Kurt! It's for you!"

Kurt's brow furrowed, who would be coming to see him? If it was someone his dad recognized, he would have sent them up to Kurt's room just like he had with Rachel. That meant this was obviously someone his dad had never seen before. The distraction was enough to ease the ache in his head and heart for a moment, and he slowly stood and descended the stairs. His dad stood in the doorway, blocking Kurt's view of the mystery guest. His dad's posture was tense in a way he hadn't seen since Karofsky or Blaine's eye injury. Kurt winced at the thought and tried to shove the feelings down. His dad must have heard him coming because he turned, letting Kurt get a view of their guest for the first time. "Kid says he knows you."

It was clear from the tone of Burt's voice that he knew who this was - and he wasn't happy about it. "Yeah…" Kurt's voice was laced with confusion and hesitation.

"I'll just…leave you two alone then." Burt glanced between the two before sending the boy on the steps an icy glare and walking into the kitchen.

"Hi." Kurt's voice was dull, void of any emotion it had held only a second ago.

"Hey…" Sebastian's voice was quiet and more reserved than what Kurt was used to. His eyes studied Kurt, and they took on an almost worried look. It was disorienting. Kurt stared blankly at the brunette; he must be hallucinating. Even so, he squared his shoulders.

"Is there a reason you're here?" Kurt knew he shouldn't have been so rude. He was the one who'd called Sebastian names after all, but he really wanted to get back to his room and… whatever it was he was doing.

"The Warblers sent me. Jeff wouldn't shut up about your well being." Sebastian's voice snapped back to his usually snark. He rolled his eyes and motioned with both his finger, creating air quotes around 'well being'.

"Well, thanks, but I'm fine." Kurt's crossed his arms angrily. How dare Sebastian treat him like a helpless, sick person. Isn't that how you're acting? Kurt cursed the voice in his head.

"You don't look fine. You look like you got run over by a herd of drag queens headed for a sale at Gaga R Us." Sebastian raised an eyebrow and crossed his arms condescendingly. Kurt simply glared.

"If you must know, the Warblers are getting impatient. They want to do something for Blaine, but they can't until you stop acting like a spoiled child who got his favorite toy taken away. So, I'm here to either make you see reason or kidnap you and take you to Dalton where the rest of the Warblers can slowly tear you apart with questions." Sebastian smirked and moved his eyebrows in a 'what are you going to choose' gesture.

Kurt sighed and let his shoulders slump, silently pleading with whoever would listen to let Sebastian simply leave him alone. "Look Sebastian, thanks for coming out there but-"

"No. You're not doing that to Blaine. He wouldn't want you to be walking around like a zombie. I'm going to come in and you're going to answer some questions and make sure the Warblers don't try to do something stupid like all wear hair gel to the event." Before Kurt could stop him Sebastian was stepping inside.

Kurt's mouth opened and closed again. Sebastian was right. But that didn't mean he was going to admit it. The idea of what Jeff alone would suggest was enough to scare Kurt just a bit.

"Fine. But just to get you to leave me alone."

"The sooner we're done the better." Sebastian agreed, resting and arm on his shoulder bag and nodding. The action was so Blaine like that Kurt had to shake his head to erase the image. Sebastian was wearing yet another red polo, though this one had a blue logo on the right sleeve. The two boys were so similar, yet so far apart. While Blaine would gel his hair almost flat to his head in an effort to look put together, Sebastian would intentionally make his hair look messy. Where Blaine was short and muscular, Sebastian was tall and lanky. While Blaine's smile was warm and welcoming, Sebastian's held a predatory edge to it. Each of these things seemed to go hand in hand with each boy's personality. Blaine was like sunshine on a rainy day, where Sebastian was like a surprise snow storm. They were opposites.

There were things that were similar of course: The way they both seemed to keep eye contact for too long, the way they both had an air of class about them , but the biggest similarity was the way they seemed to have an unreadable projection. Blaine could look one way and say one thing but inside mean the opposite. Sebastian also seemed to have that eerie quality about him. It made it hard for Kurt to figure out if Sebastian was lying or not. Finally, Kurt had to shake his head to clear his mind as he stepped aside to let Sebastian inside.

Sebastian walked into the living room without another glance at Kurt. He dropped his bag next to the couch and sat down rather gracefully, which surprised Kurt a little. Kurt quickly closed the door and came to sit next to Sebastian on the couch, a good distance away. Sebastian didn't seem to notice though, because he was pulling out a folder that must have been at least four inches thick.

"Jeff suggested a Candyland theme for the memorial." Sebastian's eyes stayed on the book as he flipped through a few pages. "But I vetoed that as quickly as possible. We don't need another taffy incident."

Kurt's eyes brows knitted in confusion but Sebastian didn't seem to notice. "Wes wanted to hold a serious ceremony, a carbon copy of the one held after the incident in 1927." Sebastian shook his head and turned to a page that seemed better organized than the rest. It was a sheet of plain white paper. The scrawl on it was elegant and clean, no smudges or eraser marks, unlike some of the previous pages. Kurt noticed that there was a tiny name printed at the top. It took him a second to realize that it was Sebastian's.

"I think Nick had the best idea. He suggested that we have a small party for all of the Warblers and Dalton students. He thinks we could get permission to use the practice room. No alcohol of course, but food and Blaine's favorite music. We'd have to have a performance as well, which Jeff said you should join in on." Sebastian rolled his eyes slightly.

"I'm not a Warbler anymore." Kurt's voice was quiet.

Sebastian looked up for the first time, taking note of Kurt's depressed features. "Once a Warbler always a Warbler," he said simply and turned back to the book.

"Now, what I was thinking was…" Sebastian went on but Kurt couldn't seem to focus on his words. Those words had only been used on Blaine. Blaine had told Kurt the story of his visit at Dalton with great excitement, but now those words were directed at him. Kurt had thought Sebastian wasn't capable of compassion, but as those words repeated in his head, he wondered if he was. Kurt listened to Sebastian's plans the best he could, adding commentary and making suggestions now and then. The Warblers seemed to know Blaine well, and though a few ideas were a bit extreme they'd seemed to come up with a fairly good plan.

Kurt wasn't sure how long they spent discussing details; he didn't even seem to notice that somewhere along the line his pure depression had ebbed. When he looked up to rub at his tired eyes, it was dark out. Sebastian seemed to noticed as well because he stood and gathered his things. "I'll run this by the Warblers tomorrow. "

Kurt nodded, his eyes looking down to meet the floor. "You're invited, by the way." Kurt nodded once,and Sebastian took so long to speak again that Kurt thought he might not. "I'd have a mob on my hands if I didn't."

Kurt simply nodded mutely as Sebastian stuffed the last paper into his bag. He slung his bag over his shoulder and ran a hand through his hair. "I guess I'll see you there."

Sebastian turned to head towards the door and Kurt stood to walk with him. When they reached the door Sebastian took hold of the knob, meaning to turn it, but before he could open the door Kurt's hand grabbed his wrist. "Thank you."

Kurt's voice was quiet, detached and lifeless in a way Sebastian never thought he'd hear from the boy who'd always had a fire; and now it seemed to be Kurt's normal tone. Sebastian simply nodded and opened the door, slipping silently into the night. Kurt closed the front door when he heard Sebastian's car door close. Maybe Sebastian wasn't as bad as he thought.


End file.
